Transitioning into an empty nest

So much of our lives is in transition — the past year and a half has changed the way we work, learn, travel and gather.

Host Angela Davis recently underwent a big change in her own life: She dropped her kids off at college in August, and now she and her husband are empty nesters.

Davis also just made the jump to hosting the 9 a.m. hour on MPR News.

To ring in all of these changes, Davis is hosting a week of shows on transitions. She started out the week with a conversation about empty nest syndrome.

Davis has a million thoughts on what to do now that her children have flown the coop, but she wanted to turn to her show and her listeners for advice — because parents don’t talk enough about the challenges of transitioning to an empty nest.

“When it comes time to retire from full-time motherhood, we don’t speak of it,” Babs Plunkett, a life coach for aging gracefully, told Davis. “There’s a loneliness missing your kids, there’s a loss of purpose, there’s a lack of structure.”

Family therapist Elizabeth Adedokun said that when she works with clients whose children have recently left the nest, she often sees pride mixed with a “sense of loss,” grief or anxiety.

Sometimes, parents aren’t ready to let go of their children, and that can create issues in their relationship.

“We need to let them fly, but when we are still so needy for them as our purpose, we cling to them, and it can cause a lot of tension,” Plunkett said.

How can parents process difficult feelings about the empty nest in a healthy way?

Plunkett advised parents to start by communicating their emotions to their kids in a way that doesn’t cause them anxiety.

“Expressing your authentic emotions is always good,” Plunkett said. “You’re showing that you can process through a hard transition, too.”

Plunkett also suggested parents practice “focusing on your own self — because I think for a lot of people, that’s the thing that … we haven’t done for years.”

Adedokun said that one way to “find a life outside of that [parenting] role” is to rediscover old hobbies or try new ones.

She also reminded parents that just because their kids have moved on to a new chapter in their lives, “It’s not like you’re no longer their parent, right? You’re still their home base.”

It’s just that “that role is shifted,” Adedokun said.

Adedokun encouraged parents to see each transition in life as “an opportunity to reflect on joy” and celebrate the work they’ve done.

“We can’t predict the future, but I just think we do the best we can every day,” Adedokun said.

Adedokun made clear that parents shouldn’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional if they’re feeling anxious or depressed.

“It’s really important to seek help if empty nesting is really affecting you to the point that you’re isolating yourself or struggling,” Adedokun said.

Guests:

• Babs Plunkett is a life coach for aging gracefully. She has a special focus on moms facing empty nesting.

• Elizabeth Adedokun, also known as Dr. Liz, is a family therapist who practices in Edina, Minn.

Use the audio player above to listen to the full conversation.

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