These decades-long friends are leaving their journalism jobs — to become caregivers

CATHY WURZER: This is "Minnesota Now" here on MPR News. I'm Cathy Wurzer. Two longtime Twin Cities journalists are starting new chapters in their lives that we want to focus on, because their stories might be similar to yours. Our own John Wanamaker who you hear on this program is leaving MPR after 14 years. Prior to that, John was at WCCO Radio. Fox 9 investigative reporter Tom Lyden is leaving the Twin Cities airwaves after 30 years.

And both are doing so for similar reasons to help take care of aging loved ones. And both also happen to be very good friends. So we have Tom and John on the line. Hey, thanks, you guys.

JOHN WANAMAKER: Hi, Cathy.

TOM LYDEN: Absolutely.

CATHY WURZER: Tom, you've been shuttling back and forth from the Twin Cities to California to be with your mom. And John, you're heading to Iowa where your parents-in-law are, along with your wife. And both of you have been doing this juggling act for quite a while. Give us a sense of the difficulty of that. John, I want to start with you.

JOHN WANAMAKER: Well, the difficulty for me has been being apart from my wife. She has spent most of the last two years down in Iowa at her parents' hometown. And I've been up here. I've been working and helping to pay the bills. And in no way, shape, or form, I just want to get this off my chest, should I be portrayed as heroic or noble, because I think the real euro has been my wife. She's been doing the heavylifting. And we've had this discussion for many years prior to this about how this would go down. So I really have to give all the credit to her.

CATHY WURZER: So you kind of plan for this in a sense.

JOHN WANAMAKER: Years in advance. And we saw it coming. And I think that's a pretty important point that these are the things that you have to discuss well in advance.

CATHY WURZER: And Tom, same situation with you?

TOM LYDEN: Yeah, really the same situation. It's funny both couples have kind of talked about this for a long time. I'm an only kid. And we knew this was on the horizon. Almost two years now, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. And then he died about a year and a half ago. And then shortly after that, my aunt who lives right next door to my parents in rural California, she passed away. And she was sort of our backup plan.

So I think my husband kind of saw the writing on the wall maybe a little sooner than I did. And I came back here to work about a year ago and said, hey, I need to leave. And I will be honest, I was pretty distraught. And things were happening really fast for me. And my bosses Mary and Davey and our human resources person, Kate O'Hara, said, hey, we don't think you have to do this way, at least not right now. Let's give this some time. You're an investigative reporter so you can work remotely sometimes. Do your research and gather documents, do public records requests. And then come back every couple of months and do on-the-ground reporting, which is what I did.

And that worked out pretty well for a year. But I really-- I think to give this job what it really needs. I think you have to be present, and you have to be there.

CATHY WURZER: It's hard, though, Tom. I mean, geez, when you wake up-- I don't know, maybe this is just me talking, but you know your head is whirring through story ideas and contacts and data and all that stuff that goes into being a reporter, and then you have your mom there. That had to have been kind of tough.

TOM LYDEN: And it requires patience. As you know, you need to be present, you need patience. And I think if you don't do that and if you constantly feel like you are torn, I think you can be resentful. And if there's one thing I don't want to be is resentful.

My mom is actually a joy to be with. She's 86, going to turn 87 next month. She is profoundly hearing-impaired, though. And I think you really need to keep people who are sight-impaired and hearing-impaired really engaged. Isolation and the lack of connection can really lead to all sorts of cognitive impairments. I really felt like this was imperative to my mom's good health that we were out there.

CATHY WURZER: So it sounds like both of you two saw the train coming down the tracks in a sense. But a lot of people don't. And then something happens to a loved one, and they're like, oh, my God, what do I do now? And as you both know, the health care system, social service system can be a bear to navigate. And so I'm wondering if you both have any advice to folks who might just be finding themselves in this situation and figure they want to know, OK, now what do I do? John, what do you think?

JOHN WANAMAKER: Well, I think that you are absolutely right. And I want to point out that people shouldn't feel bad if they don't see it coming, because you can plan ahead. You can plan way ahead. And I always say things aren't going to turn out exactly the way you think they're going to turn out. And Tom's and my case, both of our fathers passed away very suddenly. And we didn't see it coming. And that completely changed the complexion of our situation.

And if you have a loved one who, say, has a fall, maybe give a little thought ahead of that if you know that person was at risk of a fall or is at risk of a fall, have a plan for where they go, because they're going to be discharged from the hospital. And you are going to be up against it. We were that way with my mother. And we were scrambling. We had six hours to find a place to put her.

CATHY WURZER: Oh, yeah. I remember your situation, too, John. And I just-- my heart just-- I just felt for you, because it is so very difficult. Tom, what about you?

TOM LYDEN: A couple of things. First of all, power of attorney, power of attorney, power of attorney. It is so important to do that. And also to have your other affairs in order, a will or a trust. I mean, a lot of people don't like to do this. My aunt had put it off for years and years. And then all of a sudden, we're doing all of this work, really complicated work, in a rush when she's on her deathbed. And trust me, that's not the way you want to do this kind of work.

Also, hospice care. And hospice and the meaning of hospice has different meanings for different people. And you kind of have to make sure you understand what the definitions are and what someone is talking about. But hospice care, which I had no experience with, in our case, turned out to be really wonderful when we finally connected. But there are all sorts of people who are offering services kind of under the table, and give me $10,000, and I'll help your loved one for a couple of months.

And I think people need to be aware there are some liability concerns with that. And you have to make sure you're getting the good care. I mean, there are horror stories out there. Obviously, there's lots of good care.

JOHN WANAMAKER: By the way, Cathy, I can echo Tom about the power of attorney. If you can set that up ahead of time, it is very helpful.

CATHY WURZER: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. See, I was thinking about this, too. And John, you and I have talked off air about this a lot. When my dad was sick, I would have welcomed like a care buddy somewhere in the MPR building. I mean, somebody that I would have known who was dealing with the same thing perhaps, where I would have said, hey, I'm seeing this with my dad, did you see the same thing? Something like that. It sounds like you two are, because you are friends, have you have you been leaning on each other as you're facing these similar challenges?

JOHN WANAMAKER: Oh, yeah. Definitely been leaning on each other.

TOM LYDEN: Yeah. And our spouses are great. Lisa and my husband, Fred, have known each other since college. And they're great friends. And they talk all the time. John and I talk quite a bit. I would have to say that the four of us and sort of our extended Minneapolis posse of friends, who have been great. And a lot of our friends are dealing with this in one level or not. But, yeah, we have.

And John, I would have to say, we've been talking about some element of this for like 10 or 15 years, it seems like. And then all of a sudden, we're like in it. And we're all in it at the same time. And, yeah, I mean, it's really strange. And, of course, the four of us know each other so well. It's strange that we've been going through this in parallel. But it has been-- it's really been helpful.

And I think a couple of words that have been kind of my mantra, don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. And you go easy on yourself, because there is no perfect plan. And you have to allow yourself. At times, you will lose patience. At times, you will say the wrong thing. And you just have to be good to yourself sometimes.

And I think you also need to keep a sense of humor. I mean, sometimes the only thing that keeps John and I going is we like almost imagine, like, this is crazy, right? We're like in a sitcom, aren't we? We should write this down, because it is life, and it is poignant, it is beautiful. And sometimes it's really sad. And sometimes it's really funny.

Sometimes the biggest hurdles aren't just financial, and they're not just legal. They're also kind of getting out of your own way and leading with your heart. And while the decisions can be really difficult, sometimes the right decisions are difficult. But I say that again without judgment.

CATHY WURZER: John.

JOHN WANAMAKER: I think Tom brought it up. When you have siblings involved, it is best to discuss this well in advance and to get on the same page. I've seen so many times where people, siblings, brothers and sisters, don't have agreement on how to proceed. And that just makes things more complicated. And another thing I want to bring up is celebrate your loved one's abilities instead of bemoaning their disabilities.

I think that we focus too much on what people can't do and don't focus enough on what they can do. And I would tell my in-laws all the time, you're doing great. I mean, when I look at you and I look at your peers, you guys are doing great.

CATHY WURZER: Before you guys go, both of your stories have garnered a fair amount of news coverage, even though I know you both were hoping to kind of sneak out of town. I wonder if-- I wonder if--

JOHN WANAMAKER: I was.

CATHY WURZER: I know you were. I know you were. And there's no way that's going to happen.

TOM LYDEN: I outed him.

CATHY WURZER: I know you did. I wonder if there's been so much interest in connection to your stories, because, at some level, folks know your story is really theirs or will be. Last thoughts on that, John?

JOHN WANAMAKER: Well, I understand the hook to this story being that Tom and I are both members in the same media market and the same age and going through the same thing, and we happen to know each other. But I don't feel, in many ways, I don't feel any different from anybody else who's going through this. It's something that we all face eventually. And Tom said there's no one size fits all. I will not judge a person for the decisions they make surrounding an aging parent or an aging loved one.

TOM LYDEN: I really did want to slip out the back door. In the end, I just figured this was a really important story that I had in common with a lot of people.

CATHY WURZER: Absolutely. And I applaud you both. And I'm going to miss you both, too, especially John Wanamaker.

JOHN WANAMAKER: I'm going to miss you too, Cathy.

CATHY WURZER: Oh, gosh. And of course, Tom Lyden, I can't believe you've been around here for 30 years. I mean, the both of us, it's just-- what? What happened? It's been 30 years.

TOM LYDEN: I know.

CATHY WURZER: You guys, don't be a stranger, OK?

JOHN WANAMAKER: We won't.

CATHY WURZER: OK.

TOM LYDEN: We won't.

JOHN WANAMAKER: Love you, Tom.

TOM LYDEN: Love you, too, John.