‘Compassion is everything’: A transgender lawyer and advocate looks back at her career

[THEME MUSIC] CATHY WURZER: Time for another episode of our Connect The Dots series, where we ask community elders to share their wisdom and lessons learned about what really matters in life. Ellie Krug was a civil trial lawyer for almost 30 years in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

When she moved to the Twin Cities, she dove into several projects, including founder and executive director of a nonprofit, providing legal access for people living on low incomes. And she was the creator of workshops on diversity, equity and inclusion. She was elected to the Eastern Carver County School Board in 2022, and she has a weekly radio program.

Ellie is also transgender and the author of Getting to Ellen-- a Memoir about Love, Honesty and Gender Change. MPR's senior economics contributor, our friend Chris Farrell, recently sat down with Ellie, and he's here in studio to talk about the visit. It's nice to see you, actually.

CHRIS FARRELL: It's good to be here.

CATHY WURZER: Yeah. I can only imagine that this was a very interesting conversation. What an engaged life?

CHRIS FARRELL: Oh, I'll say. It was great. And, I just want to start with some basics.

CATHY WURZER: Sure.

CHRIS FARRELL: OK. So she grew up in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. And in many respects, she lived the All-American dream, but with a twist.

ELLIE KRUG: I married my high school sweetheart, and I grew up in Cedar Rapids, and went to law school in Boston, learned how to be a civil trial lawyer in Boston. And then my then wife and I moved back to Cedar Rapids to start a life together where we had two beautiful daughters that we adopted from Korea.

And we built this very idyllic picture-perfect life in Cedar Rapids. The only problem is we built it with me presenting as a man, when in reality I really am a woman.

CATHY WURZER: When did she decide to be open about who she really is?

CHRIS FARRELL: So the journey took time. And because she knew if she revealed who she really is, people that she loved would be hurt. And so she had a lot to lose. So the start of her journey really began with what she calls her moment of truth.

ELLIE KRUG: And that moment of truth was 9/11. And as I sat in St. Matthews, Catholic church, on the night of 9/11, I realized that someday I'd lay on my deathbed and that I would regret that I hadn't been braver to be who I really am, a woman.

And that started me on a journey that took me to May of 2009. By that time, I'm divorced from my wife. And in May of 2009, I came out to the world as Ellen, sent a letter off to 200 clients, judges, and other attorneys on a Monday morning. And I came out.

CATHY WURZER: I could only imagine how hard that was.

CHRIS FARRELL: Well, the journey was hard. And she was estranged from her wife, now ex-wife, and one daughter for a few years. But relations with her ex-wife and both daughters are now good, and so her ties with her family and her friend Thap.

He's been a friend since eighth grade when he was the quarterback and she played guard on the football team. So they've been long-time friends. And she did have a pleasant surprise with her first trial after coming out.

ELLIE KRUG: I was able to convince the other lawyer and the judge to let me tell the jury that I was transgender because the voice obviously doesn't match the appearance. And your listeners right now are going to think that I'm 6 foot 2, 225. And I'm really, size 6 with blonde hair.

It was a wonderful, wonderful experience. And in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, after getting the jury to agree they wouldn't hold me against my client, after a four-day trial, the jury came back in my favor and my client's favor. And it was just fabulous to know that me transitioning didn't affect my abilities as a trial lawyer.

CATHY WURZER: Is she still a trial lawyer?

CHRIS FARRELL: No. Her life changed in so many ways. And perhaps most important, she fully embraced her idealism, which had been suppressed for years. She's 67 years old, and like so many people her age who is deeply affected by the lives, the examples, and the murders of Dr. Martin Luther King and Bobby Kennedy.

ELLIE KRUG: I was 11 years old when they were murdered. And before they went, their words sank into me. And they taught me that we have an obligation to make this world a better place. And so I'm an idealist.

And when I suppressed my gender identity, I suppressed my idealism as well, because it's really tough to allow a part of you out, but you can't allow all of you out. I have the dubious distinction of getting a do-over in life. And when I got that do-over, I stopped being a trial lawyer, went forward, coming here to Minneapolis to live as me as Ellie Krug. And then I wanted to do things to make the world better.

CATHY WURZER: How's her life been here?

CHRIS FARRELL: She says she still loves Iowa. But unfortunately, she can't go home. She isn't welcome there. And she is here. And she's led a rich, engaged life in the community and done so much to promote social justice and what she calls human inclusion.

CATHY WURZER: So with all of her experiences and about being open, about being transgender, what does she say matters in life?

CHRIS FARRELL: I think her answer to that question, it resonates with all of us. The problem is, how many of us really have the courage to be true to ourselves?

ELLIE KRUG: What I found is understanding this thing called human authenticity, the thing that what makes us feel whole, that when we have it, we feel complete, and then when we don't have it, something is missing. And in some cases, it can be devastating to not have it.

Now, for me, my authenticity was twofold. It was about me really being a woman and not a man, and also about me being an idealist and wanting to go and try and make a positive difference in the world. But there are other people who are writers or musicians or actors or artists, or crafters, that for them, if you take that away from them, they will suffer.

And I just have come to understand that authenticity shows up in a variety of ways, and that is incredibly important to listen to what makes you feel whole, to what makes you feel authentic.

CATHY WURZER: Absolutely true, of course, to be true to yourself. But man, that is so difficult.

CHRIS FARRELL: It is. And the other thing that has really struck me about Ellie I've talked to her several times-- is every time I meet with her, at the end of our conversation, I feel more optimistic. Her idealism, it's contagious.

And so I wondered where her optimism comes from, considering how much stress and strain the transgender community is under. And she's very clear-eyed about the stereotypes, the prejudice, the discriminatory laws and policy. Yet her idealism is also real.

So she answered by highlighting a common experience in her gray area workshops. These are diversity equity inclusion workshops that she's run over 600 around the country.

And toward the end of the workshop, the last prompt for discussion is on what identity participants want to be known for in their 19 choices, skin color, LGBTQ, socioeconomic status, education and so on. And here's what she's learned.

ELLIE KRUG: When I do this exercise and I ask that last prompt, the identity that I want to be known for is that somewhere between 80% and 100% of the room-- some of my rooms have 200, 300 people in them. Somewhere between 80% and 100% of the room stands under one sign. And that sign is compassion.

And this is happening in big city, small city, Red place, Blue place, Bernie place. It's happening in places where I am the very first transgender person that anyone has ever met.

CATHY WURZER: Wow. Her workshop story reminds me of some of the narratives that are coming from our Talking Sense project with Catherine Richard.

CHRIS FARRELL: Absolutely. And by the way, that experience is why Ellie calls herself the "canary in the coal mine." But in this case, the canary is thriving.

CATHY WURZER: So what's her purpose? She's accomplished a lot. And she keeps fighting the good fight. So is that her purpose?

CHRIS FARRELL: Yeah. I said, what makes you get up in the morning? What drives your idealism? And I think many of us aspire to this idealism even if we don't quite get there.

ELLIE KRUG: It goes back to Dr. King and Bobby Kennedy. It really does. I am hopelessly idealistic. OK. And with this second chance in life, this do-over that I've gotten, I don't want to squander it for a moment. And I want to be able, when I am on my deathbed, to be able to say I gave it my best shot, and I mattered.

CATHY WURZER: So I'm wondering with everything she's learned over the years, does she have advice for the younger generation?

CHRIS FARRELL: So she does. There are two pieces of advice, and both are realistic and both are critically important.

ELLIE KRUG: One, that compassion is incredibly important to have it for all humans, regardless of how different somebody may be from you, but also to have compassion for yourself because I learned along the way that it was incredibly important to give myself a break. So that's one thing I would like them to learn.

And the other thing I would say to young people is, be persistent. What I see with the people that succeed is that they keep trying. They hit a roadblock. They don't give up. They try and think a different strategy. And they keep at it because the one-- and you don't have to be brilliant to succeed. But you have to be persistent. You really do.

CATHY WURZER: Oh, That is absolutely correct. Yes.

CHRIS FARRELL: Yes, it is.

CATHY WURZER: Amen, amen. So of course, on a serious note, these are difficult times for transgender folks. And I wonder, is she worried about the future, how she looks at what's unfolding here?

CHRIS FARRELL: So she's extremely worried. And I was looking at some data. And there's the movement advancement project. It's an LGBTQ advocacy group. 15 states tally negative overall when it comes to laws and policies within each state that shape LGBTQ people's lives, experiences, and equality. Another 11 states, they score low overall. So with that background in mind, I wondered what she wanted the broader society to know.

ELLIE KRUG: Well, what I'd like the broader society to know about transgender people is that we're just like everybody else. We are. And that it's not a choice. Just like we've already fought the battle about whether it's a choice to be lesbian or gay it's not a choice about whether you are trans or not.

I just got wired this way. Trust me. 18 years of therapy with a dozen therapists-- I just got wired this way. And so I think that I would like for people to understand that we are real, that we want the same things in life as everybody else does.

We want to be free of violence, emotional or physical. We want our children to succeed. We want to love and be loved. And we want 20 minutes of peace just like everybody else. That's what we want.

CATHY WURZER: I love that, to love and be loved. That says it all, doesn't it?

CHRIS FARRELL: It does.

CATHY WURZER: Nice work, my friend. Thank you.

CHRIS FARRELL: Thank you.

CATHY WURZER: Chris Farrell is MPR's senior economics contributor. By the way, he's done some great interviews with a lot of other different people who have some amazing wisdom on life. You can check it out by going to our podcast, Minnesota Now podcast, wherever you get your podcasts.