Without the right to marry, moms-to-be face problems of law and logic

By Annie Anderson

Annie Anderson is the outreach analyst for MPR News' Public Insight Network.

In about six weeks, I'm going to be a mom for the first time. Then, three to five months later, I will be my baby's mom in the legal eyes of the state. I hope.

The love, patience and agonizing moments that led to our decision to have a child together make my partner and me like other first-time parents, who know the delirious mix of excitement and nerves. But we're also not like other parents, because all parents raise their babies in a way that's unique to them.

Another way we're not like other parents is that they can get married if they choose. We would if we could, but we can't. At least, not in Minnesota.

In a relationship like mine, there are a lot of barriers to break through in order to become a parent. Amazingly, my partner of six years got pregnant on our first attempt, so that barrier was relatively easy, considering what comes next. Now we're in the zone where I just watch the attorney's billable hours tick up and up — last will and testament, powers of attorney, living wills, adoption papers.

I'm what my partner calls a "low-level worrier with intense worries." In other words, I don't worry often, but when I do, I worry big. What if something happens to Bridget during labor? What if something happens to Bridget before our baby is my baby too? What if something happens to both of us? What if the judge says no?

I need reams of paperwork to answer these questions, and more depending on the situation and the location.

I need a legal document stating that I can make medical decisions for Bridget if needed. I also need one in case something happens to Bridget and the baby simultaneously. Then I need one that says I am the legal guardian and caregiver of my baby should Bridget die before the adoption goes through; otherwise, the state could potentially put my baby in foster care. And there's the will, to make sure our baby is cared for in case something happens to both of us.

All of this means more billable hours, more filing fees.

Lastly, I need to have all of my adoption paperwork ready, because adoption is the only way for me to become the legal parent of my child. I need character references from my family and friends. The county could send someone to our house for a home visit, even though our baby will be born in our home and live here permanently.

And this of course all hinges on the judge agreeing to the adoption.

There's also the not-so-negligible element that I have to wait 30 days after our baby is born to even file my adoption papers — in order to give the biological father the chance to claim "his" child. There is no way to waive this step, even if the biological father is not known or is only the donor. After filing it takes two to four months, on average, to have a court date set. To adopt my own baby.

I am lucky. Our baby will have lots of grandparents and a great-grandma who is so excited to meet her first great-grandbaby she is already spoiling beyond belief. Our baby will have kind neighbors willing to lend a hand and provide fun and unconditional support. We have friends around the country waiting to meet this little nugget. Most important, I have a partner I am thankful for every day who will be an amazing role model, buddy and mom to our baby.

If we could be married, most of these legal barriers would disappear. Instead, we have to spend precious days and considerable emotional energy during the pregnancy and while our baby is a newborn — for such a short time — at legal appointments and checking boxes on a list of legal needs that runs for pages.

The last agonizing minute will come standing in a courtroom those moments before a judge grants me — please, please — legal custody of my baby. Then I will finally be able to go on our baby's birth certificate as the other parent.

It's a kind of stress that most first-time parents don't have to face. Our family would be better off without it.

Gallery

Fullscreen SlideshowPrevious Slide

1 of 1

Next Slide