'Fargo' recap: The Waffle Hut will never be the same

Every week on "Aw Jeez: A 'Fargo' podcast," hosts Tracy Mumford and Jay Gabler recap the latest episode, and interview experts about the mayhem, the mob and the Minnesota moments in season two of "Fargo."

Based on the hints dropped last season, we know we're headed for a massacre in Sioux Falls with "Fargo" season two. And that's exactly what season two opens with: "The Massacre at Sioux Falls," a fake black-and-white film starring Ronald Reagan in his Hollywood days.

Show creator Noah Hawley said, "I kept waiting for FX to say to me, 'You can't start the second season with a fake black and white Ronald Reagan movie. People are going to turn the channel, panicked that they are missing (the start of the episode).' But they never said it. So, sorry America."

Of course, we don't see Dutch, aka Reagan, just yet — he's off-screen "getting arrows put in" for the final bloody showdown on the prairie. All across the monochromatic frozen fields, extras dressed as cavalry soldiers and Native Americans pretend to be dead. We get a delightfully meta discussion between the filmmaker and the actor playing "the chief" — a good reminder why the phrase "your people" is never the right one.

Then, cue the news montage. It's 1979 and the world is falling apart: high gas prices, John Wayne Gacy, Jimmy Carter talking about the country's "crisis of confidence."

And what about North Dakota? It's snowing there, naturally.

Hawley pulls out every '70s editing trick he knows with his split screens to introduce the Gerhardts, the reigning crime family of Fargo, N.D. We meet the oldest brother, Dodd, played by Jeffrey Donovan with an extremely questionable Midwest accent, and the youngest brother, Rye, played by Kieran Culkin with one of the most revolting patchy mustaches in facial hair history. (A mustache says a lot about a man in Hawley's North Dakota.)

Rye's been skimming off the family coffers to fund a little side project of his own, it turns out: typewriters. And not just any typewriters — self-correcting IBM Selectrics. "They're not just for women anymore," Rye's toupee'd accomplice tells him.

The plan is simple: Rye just needs to convince a judge to unfreeze some of the typewriter salesman's bank accounts and the two of them can partner up to be the sole distributor of Selectrics in the Midwest. "Then we turn on the money spigot!" says the toupee.

Rye isn't the Gerhardts' only problem. At a family meeting on their Fargo compound, aging patriarch Otto Gerhardt reveals that their hard-earned profits from gambling and drugs and prostitution are down — some other outfit has moved into town, and the competition is heating up. (Floyd Gerhardt, the tough-as-nails matriarch played by Jean Smart of "Designing Women," may be the real brains behind this whole operation.) And just as Otto has whipped himself into a vengeful wrath about how he's going to grind competitors' bones to make his bread, he strokes out at the dining room table.

Gerhardts, this is not your day.

Oblivious to his father's collapse, Rye's on the road, tailing a North Dakota judge played by a Cusack — not John, not Joan, but the lesser-known actor sibling Ann Cusack. She leads him all the way to Luverne, Minn., where she stops at the roadside Waffle Hut. (As a Minnesota resident, I feel I'm obligated to point out that this is not a leisurely drive. That's a four-hour road trip just for waffles. Clearly, the judge has other reasons for her Minnesota jaunt.)

The Waffle Hut will never be the same.

Rye, putting on his best swagger, tells the judge she better change her mind about those frozen accounts. But he's picked the wrong judge — she regales him with a bible story that goes right over his head before pulling a can of bug spray out of her bag.

Rye gets a shot of Bust Bug Killer right in the face. But he's come prepared: He's got a gun.

"Aw crap," says the judge. "Aw crap" is right — down goes the judge, the short order cook and the waitress as Rye shoots up the Waffle Hut.

But Rye forgets the first rule of murder movies: Never turn your back on the body. The judge isn't as dead as she should be, and she buries a streak knife between Rye's shoulder blades before he finishes her off.

He raids the Waffle Hut's till for cash, but he never learns: He turns his back on the bodies again. This time, the waitress makes a half-staggering run for it out into the snow. (It wouldn't be "Fargo" without some blood in the snow.) He trails her across the frozen parking lot before "making it permanent."

Breathing hard from his bungled murderous rampage, Rye looks up into the night sky where some strange lights gather. This is the "Oh. My. Gosh." moment of the show, because Rye Gerhardt is now the number one witness to a Minnesota UFO experience. The strange lights gather and then zoom off into the distance.

(A historical note: 1970s Minnesota was a real-life hotbed of UFO reports.)

Entranced by the maybe-aliens, Rye breaks another cardinal rule: Looking both ways before crossing the street. A 1970s land yacht nails him on the dark road and he goes right through the passenger-side windshield. The car stops, idles ... and then slowly continues on into the night with Rye sprawled across the hood.

Now it's time to call in the cavalry.

That would be Lou Solverson, who we saw in season one as a former cop turned diner owner. Here, he's in the prime of his life, just returned from Vietnam, working as a state trooper in Luverne. He has a wife and small daughter (that'd be Molly, season one fans) at home. And that home is '70s retro lush: a split-level done in oranges and browns with striped wallpaper for miles. (Lou is played by Patrick Wilson, putting in a respectable Minnesota accent, if anyone's keeping accent track.)

A late-night call drags Lou out to the Waffle Hut where he steps through the carnage in his snow boots, watching blood curdle with milk around the judge's body. In comes Ted Danson, looking distinguished in his white beard; he plays Hank Larsson, local police officer and — conveniently — Lou's father-in-law.

Hank has the best line of the night surveying the Waffle Hut bodies: "Well, this is a deal."

Lou and Hank make some small talk over the crime scene about Besty — Lou's wife, Hank's daughter — and her cooking. Apparently, she's gotten her hands on some recipe cards and cooks up "exotic meals of the world" now — like soufflé.

The crime scene, though, doesn't quite add up. There's one too many cars in the parking lot — and then there's that shoe in a tree, which Danson shines his flashlight on.

"Yup, that's a shoe alright."

But no shoe is just a shoe, if you ask local conspiracy theorist and lawyer Karl Weathers, played by a bearded Nick Offerman. (Nick Offerman might choose his roles based on interesting facial hair at this point.)

Lou sits down for drinks and bingo at the VFW with Karl and another pal, rehashing the Waffle Hut mayhem. Karl's schooling anyone who will listen about Ho Chi Minh and who really shot RFK — and he sees signs of conspiracy in the Waffle Hut too. But Lou tries to bring him back to earth.

"It's a diner robbery in Minnesota, Karl, not a presidential assassination."

Their Bingo beer talk also confirms what we've been suspecting all along: Betsy Solverson has cancer. (Betsy is played by Cristin Milioti, the long-time-mystery mother of "How I Met Your Mother," who, it should be noted, died of cancer.)

"Tell her if John McCain could hold out against Viet Cong thumbscrews, she can make it through this cancer," Karl says.

Rounding out the Luverne crew is Ed and Peggy Blumquist: Ed's a happy-go-lucky butcher and Peggy's a discontented housewife with dreams beyond the hair salon. Ed is played by Jesse Plemons, who prestige TV fans will recognizes from "Breaking Bad" and "Friday Night Lights." Peggy is played by Kirsten Dunst, who perfected her Minnesota accent in beautiful Montrose with "Drop Dead Gorgeous."

Ed comes home to a dinner of tater tots and Hamburger Helper — of course — but all is not right in the Blumquist house. Peggy's obviously itching for a new life outside Luverne. She's talking Lifespring seminars while Ed's talking about how many kids he wants. And Peggy's got another little secret hiding in the garage: Rye Gerhardt.

When Ed sees the smashed-in windshield of the family car, Peggy tries to say she hit a deer — but that's not a deer still kicking in their garage, it's a wounded, angry, seething Rye who attacks Ed. They tussle by the freezer until Ed grabs a garden trowel and — you can imagine what happens next.

With a dead guy on their garage floor, Peggy convinces Ed not to call the police, not to go to the hospital, and not to do any of the things they really should do in this situation. They have to keep it just between them, she says, or the life that Ed has always dreamed of can never happen. So, proving what all chest freezers are really for, Ed stows Rye's body in with the pork chops.

The mayhem has now whipped through Fargo and Luverne, but there's another stop on this Midwest tour de murder: Kansas City. The Gerhardts' rivals, the Kansas City mob, is planning a takeover of North Dakota. They've even got a slideshow spelling it all out.

Brad Garrett, the "Everybody Loves Raymond" brother gone bad, is leading the charge for Kansas City. Their takeover plans are approved by a man in the shadows — and we cut to black.

Next week, forces will converge back in Fargo.

(Anybody else worried about Ed being a butcher?)