Interfaith families find meaning in 'Chrismukkah'

The home in Morristown, New Jersey, is lit up with a sparkly Christmas tree. It's adorned with ornaments — a snowman, tiny homemade frames with pictures of the kids and something a little less common — two Stars of David made of blue-painted popsicle sticks.

Hanging from the mantel are red Christmas stockings, next to what the kids call blue "Hanukkah stockings." There's an Advent calendar and presents under the tree, along with menorahs and a collection of dreidels.

Petra Wiehe Lieberman is Christian, and her husband, Lance Lieberman, is Jewish. This year, the first night of Hanukkah falls on Christmas, which means many interfaith homes — like the Lieberman's — will be celebrating both holidays. Some have even dubbed the confluence of holy days Chrismukkah.

For kids, this can mean the best week, full of sweet treats, all the lights, and maybe even lots of presents. But for parents trying to navigate two very different traditions with meaning, it can be fraught.

Interfaith families are constantly deciding how to embrace two traditions, while respecting the particular – and sometimes contradictory – meanings and teachings that both bring.

"It's about honoring family and that the traditions are really important because of our connections to our family and to our heritage," said Petra.

Blending traditions

Petra and Lance have chosen to blend the two faiths — not just for winter celebrations, but throughout the year. Petra sits on the board of her family's synagogue, and also teaches Sunday school at her church. Her oldest child is preparing for his Bar Mitzvah, and also goes to Christian summer camp.

When Petra and Lance got together, neither of them wanted to give up their religion. And for a while, it was fine. But when they had kids, they knew they had to make some decisions.

"When we agreed to get married…I wanted her to agree to raise the kids Jewish," said Lance.

But Petra's faith was important to her, and neither Petra nor Lance was ready to give up their religion or on the idea of passing it down to their kids.

"It wouldn't be honest to say that this has always just been a joyful journey for both of us. I think there is sort of a sense of loss at some times for both of us," said Petra. But she also added, "I feel like what I have gained is so much more. And that we have both had to be more intentional in practicing our independent traditions."

Lance Lieberman said there's been a sense of something lost and something gained in his interfaith marriage.

"There's a sense of loss, and it's a little bit strange because the person who is really maybe responsible for that loss is your best friend and wife. And the same is true for her," he said.

"It's like going to someone's birthday party."

Rabbi Robyn Frisch of the nonprofit 18Doors works with people in interfaith relationships – specifically when one half of the couple is Jewish. She said it's common for the Jewish partner to feel strongly about maintaining Judaism in their home. One reason is that while kids may absorb cultural aspects of Christianity, they're less likely to absorb those same cultural aspects of Judaism, according to Frisch.

"For Jews — no matter where you grow up, the chances are even if it's a very Jewish area you're likely to have been in the minority," said Frisch. "I think for people who are Jewish, it can feel very threatening and it can feel like really giving in to the majority culture and losing what you are and that unique part of yourself."

Frisch said that while some families take the blended approach, many families celebrate the holidays separately. That could look a number of different ways, like observing different faith traditions at different times, or keeping different holiday objects in different rooms.

Frisch said some couples think of this as a way of honoring their partner's tradition, while recognizing it's not their own.

"It's accompanying someone on their celebration. It's like going to someone's birthday party — you know it's not your birthday, but you're celebrating," said Frisch.

Not integrating, but holding together

The Rev. Emily Brewer and Eric Eingold are an interfaith couple in Brooklyn. Emily told Eric on their first date that she was studying to become a Christian minister. Usually that kind of revelation made first dates awkward, but not for Eric. "I thought it was really cool."

As Emily was preparing for her vocation, she would guest preach around town, and Eric attended services in support.

"It kind of set a tone for showing up for each other and with curiosity and interest," said Emily. "And I think that has tried to be the tone that we've set when engaging with each other's faith tradition."

Once they decided to get married and start a family, Emily and Eric went to pre-marital counseling, so they could be purposeful about how they'd build a home and family.

"It was really important to us to have a child who was raised with both traditions and saw them as distinct and can choose one one day, can reject them both, can figure out how in his own way to integrate them or hold them together. Maybe not integrate, but hold them together," said Emily.

They have a four-year-old son who is learning about Judaism and Christianity. Emily and Eric said he's beginning to understand what it means to be part of an interfaith home, but he's still too young to really grasp the differences.

"He knows that I'm Christian and that Eric's Jewish. He knows that he's both. But I don't know that he really pays attention to the fact that it means we do different things on these holidays," said Emily.

"It's like he just kind of gets it all," said Eric.

Merry Christmas and Hanukkah Sameach

This year, Emily will lead services on Christmas Eve at Lafayette Avenue Presbyterian Church in Brooklyn. The next morning, the family will wake up early and fly to Tennessee to be with Emily's relatives, with their Chanukah menorah in tow.

"We'll probably have our traditional Christmas lunch there. And then…at sundown, we will have packed our Hanukkiah [Hanukkah menorah] —Eric's Hanukkiah — and some candles. And we'll do Hanukkah there," said Emily.

Eric said they'll also play dreidel together.

For interfaith families, the quiet choices they make about how to raise their children are a lot more public this week. Is there a tree or a menorah in the window? Are they, and their children, praying the Mass, or reciting Hebrew blessings? And will they say Merry Christmas or Hanukkah Sameach? This year, it's probably both.

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