'I grew up really fast': Twin Cities group connects women and girls dealing with the loss of their mothers

CATHY WURZER: You know it doesn't matter how old you are, whether you're 6 or you're 60, the death of a parent can send shock waves of grief through your world. And that loss can be very difficult to talk about, which can leave a person feeling very much alone. Next, we're going to hear from someone who's trying to break through that sense of isolation, especially for women and girls who have lost their mothers.

Christine Meyer is the founder of a Twin Cities nonprofit called She Climbs Mountains. It hosts gatherings and support groups and has a program that matches girls with mentors. Fiona Antila is part of that program and she's with us too. Christine and Fiona, welcome to Minnesota Now.

CHRISTINE MEYER: Thank you so much, Cathy. It's a thrill to be here.

CATHY WURZER: Hi, Fiona.

FIONA ANTILA: Hi, guys.

CATHY WURZER: Nice to have you here. Say, Christine, I'm going to start with you. Tell us about your story and how it led you to this point.

CHRISTINE MEYER: Yes. So my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when I was 11 years old she was 40 years old. And she was able to live for 3 and 1/2 years even though she was expected to die within three months. And I got to witness her on her incredible journey of battling cancer and being really open and honest about her journey as she was dying.

She did ultimately die when I was 15. She was 44 years old. And prior to that, she had set a goal to climb Mount Rainier after we had taken a trip to the Pacific Northwest to visit my paternal grandfather. And unfortunately, she wasn't able to accomplish that goal.

And so in 2014, I started facilitating some workshops specifically for motherless mothers and in 2017, launched the nonprofit She Climbs Mountains in honor of my mom and her hope to have climbed that mountain, though I believe she climbed a different sort of mountain, and then also named it She Climbs Mountains really as a metaphor for grief-- for those of us who are struggling to move through, move with our grief, but also can experience joy and beauty along the way.

CATHY WURZER: Fiona, I want to get to you in just a moment, but, first, Christine, you know this, our society does not do a good job with grief and loss at any age. How do you help young girls, especially, grieve in a healthy way?

CHRISTINE MEYER: Yes. I do want to say I believe it's changing. And that is an amazing thing, in part because of programs like ours, but there are so many others that are acknowledging that, first of all, children grieve in very different ways than adults. So often, we can see a child go into an intense experience of grief and then step out of that for a long period of time maybe.

They seem happy. They're enjoying time with their peers. And adults don't always do the best job at connecting with youth during that grieving time.

They might think, oh, well they're doing OK. They seem fine. I don't want to upset them. But the reality is children need to keep talking about the person that they've lost. So we invite a safe space for girls, specifically, who have lost their mothers to continue to keep their mothers present in their lives, to talk about them, to connect with other peers that have experienced that same loss.

Often when we're young, we don't know anyone that has experienced that same loss. And then, of course, we match our girls with adult women who have experienced mother loss so that girls have a mentor that they can rely on somewhat as a mother like figure who can provide guidance and support along their grief journey, but also as the girls are growing and developing.

CATHY WURZER: Fiona, I want to bring you into the conversation. I don't want to ignore you there. Thank you for being here. And first, I want to just acknowledge I'm really sorry that your mom is not with you anymore. And I don't know how long ago that happened, but day to day, how are you doing?

FIONA ANTILA: Day to day, I'm doing much better now than the very beginning when I did lose my mother. But from that situation, I've learned so much. And I really just have become such a better person from the whole experience.

CATHY WURZER: You heard what Christine said, that sometimes adults look at young people and they think, oh, they're doing fine. They seem like they're OK. Did that happen to you? Is that your experience?

FIONA ANTILA: Yeah. I would say from the whole experience deep down, I think, truly, I just kind of grew a lot. I grew up really fast. And I had a lot of experience.

And I witnessed a lot, like Christine. And yeah, it's really just nice to have this group, this family that I say to just sympathize with them and that they really understand.

CATHY WURZER: What are some of the questions that you ask your mentor, or someone who's older than you who's been through this, if I could ask?

FIONA ANTILA: Some of the questions I ask her is, I guess, kind of more emotional questions where, how did she deal with this? Or I'll ask my mentor Katie some questions like, how did you deal with this when your mom died or what do you do to cope with this?

CATHY WURZER: Christine, there are a lot of questions kids ask, of course, who grew up without a mom. And there's a lot of issues that they can have-- emotional, social. How do you help some of these young girls come through this experience?

CHRISTINE MEYER: Well, in various ways. We do have our social gatherings. Some of them are just fun. And we get together and we go bowling, or we had a holiday bingo night. But there are also some specific topics that we address that we know if a mother were here, she would likely be talking with her daughter about.

So, for example, we did a Entering the Circle group that talked about menopause and self care as we enter puberty. We also recently did a workshop in partnership with NAMI that talked about anxiety, and stress, and how to cope with those things. And we know that already being a child and teenager in this world can be stressful, but when you have that added loss of not having one of your essential caregivers in your life, your mother, that can be, of course, an added stressor. So we're not only providing tools through these types of workshops, but also the community of support that girls who understand are involved in this and then also having our mentors who show up for the girls in such a meaningful way.

CATHY WURZER: Fiona, it's often, again, in our culture, we don't do well with, as I mentioned, grief and loss. And we tend to not want to make other people feel bad if they've lost a loved one. So we don't really say their names.

We kind of tend to look to the future, I guess. And we don't really ask people how they are doing. And we don't really concentrate on the person who is gone. What do you want folks to know about your mom? What was her name?

FIONA ANTILA: Well, my mom's name was Molly. And what I would like everybody to know about her was that she just was such a person that would go out of her way to make someone happy. She was always there for her five siblings and everybody else around her.

She was a very generous mother. And she was a very strong woman. And I look up to her a lot.

CATHY WURZER: What would you say to a young person who has lost someone close to them and is feeling alone and maybe misunderstood?

FIONA ANTILA: I would say to them that, keep going. And I know it might seem like that in the beginning or maybe in the middle of it, but what I always try to remember is that that loved one would most likely want you to keep going and wouldn't want you to just dwell on the fact that they're gone. They would want you to continue on with your life and to be a successful person.

CATHY WURZER: Yeah. Say, Christine, I don't want to let you go without mentioning your big event on Saturday. Literally, you guys are going to be climbing the stadium stairs at CHS Field in St. Paul.

CHRISTINE MEYER: Yes, I'm so excited about this. We don't have actual mountains here in Minnesota. So we're doing our best through having a stadium climb fundraiser at CHS Field. It is this Saturday, April 15 from 8:00 AM to 11:30 AM.

We are taking registration through that morning. So we'd love for people to still join us. And you can register now or just show up that morning. We'd love to see you there.

Of course, it is a fundraiser. So we are trying to raise funds so that we can continue to keep our programming free and low cost for women and girls that are involved. You can go to SheClimbsMountains.org for more information. And there's a special event page there that will give you all the details of the day.

So we're really, really, really looking forward to it. We already have 200 people signed up. So it's really exciting.

CATHY WURZER: Wow. All right, Fiona, I bet you're going to be there, Fiona, right?

FIONA ANTILA: Oh yeah, I'm going to be there doing it. Yeah.

CATHY WURZER: Excellent. Good. I wish you both well. Really, thank you so much for the conversation. And best of luck on Saturday.

CHRISTINE MEYER: Thank you so much.

FIONA ANTILA: Thank you so much.

CHRISTINE MEYER: Thank you, Cathy. It's just a thrill to talk with you. I've admired you for a long time. So thank you for this opportunity.

CATHY WURZER: Christine, for goodness sakes, I appreciate that. Thank you much. Both of you-- Christine Meyer is the Founder of the Twin Cities based organization She Climbs Mountains, which connects people who have lost their moms. Fiona Antila has been with us too-- she's a member of that organization's youth program. And as we say, the group is hosting a stadium climb at CHS Field in St. Paul this coming Saturday morning.