Help me stop apologizing unnecessarily

CATHY WURZER: We're going to turn our attention right now to our series on Minnesota Now called Professional Help. Now, we all need a little help to get through life sometimes, right? From everyday questions to more complex problems, we're asking the experts to lend us a hand. Throughout the series, we'll hear some direct advice for us not so direct Minnesotans. Here's one of our producers, Gretchen Brown.

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GRETCHEN BROWN: As a journalist, I bother people for a living. I'm a producer on our show, and I'm often calling politicians and other important people to try to get them on the show. But I'm a fourth generation Minnesotan. My dad is Catholic. My mom is Lutheran. And that means guilt and humility are literally in my blood.

So in my personal life, I apologize a lot. It's part of our whole Minnesota nice thing. I'll apologize if my hairstylist snags my hair with her comb. I'll apologize if I stop at a four-way stop, and it's my turn and I go. I'll apologize if I was supposed to interview someone, and they forgot the time. I decided to get some professional help. How do I stop apologizing so much?

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And if I need help not apologizing for every little thing, lots of Minnesotans need this as well. Plenty of Midwestern comedians have spoofed this idea over the years. Here's comedian Charlie Berens.

CHARLIE BERENS: Excuse me, miss. Yeah, sorry. Would you mind if it's not too big of an ask? Could you just, um-- you're stepping on my foot. It kind of hurts a little. Thank you. Thank you. And sorry again to ask.

GRETCHEN BROWN: There's some truth to the stereotype. There's a term called Janteloven in Scandinavian culture, the ultimate behavior code directing us to stay humble at all costs. Swedish actor Alexander Skarsgard even talked about it a few years back.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD: We have something in Swedish called Janteloven, the law of Jante.

SPEAKER: Is it Janteloven?

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD: Janteloven, and it's a real thing. And it's the law of Jante, and it basically means, don't think you're special. It's more like of a code of conduct. But it translates to, "Don't think you're special." Just no--

SPEAKER: Don't brag.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD: --ostentatious flaunting of your accolades or brag about your achievements or anything. It's just like--

SPEAKER: Try not to be too happy.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD: Yeah, that's-- [LAUGHS] yeah. So if you ever-- if something great happens or you achieve something, Swedes get very embarrassed, and they apologize.

GRETCHEN BROWN: And some of that has definitely bled into Minnesota culture. Our state has more residents of Norwegian and Swedish ancestry than any other state.

But my tendency to apologize, it's not just because I'm a Minnesotan. Some of it is also related to gender. A 2010 study in the journal Psychological Science found women apologize more than men because we're socialized to have a lower threshold for offensive behavior than men do. We think more things we do are worth an apology. So we might apologize for speaking up in a meeting, or for sneezing, or for when someone else bumps into us-- things that are definitely not worth an apology.

But there's a downside to all that apologizing. Saying sorry too much actually dilutes its meaning.

LIZZIE POST: It's important to protect your apology and to preserve it as something to bring out in important times.

GRETCHEN BROWN: That's Lizzie Post, co-president at the Emily Post Institute. She's the great, great granddaughter of Emily Post herself, who became synonymous with manners after publishing her book on etiquette in 1922. In general, Lizzie says, apologies are important in our society. They serve a purpose, helping us hold up our social contracts with the people around us.

LIZZIE POST: When it comes to an apology, a lot of the time, what we're really doing is acknowledging our impact on other people, often at a moment where it was negative.

GRETCHEN BROWN: I called up Lizzie hoping if I knew when an apology was appropriate, I'd stop apologizing when it wasn't. A good apology is sincere, specific, and concise.

LIZZIE POST: It makes a really big difference to know why you're apologizing, what you're apologizing for, and to state that very clearly. "I'm sorry my words were offensive and hurt you," instead of, "I'm sorry if my words were offensive and hurt you." "I'm sorry I missed the deadline," instead of, "I'm sorry I may have missed the deadline." It's like, this isn't a time to soften it. It's a time to go full throttle, right into very direct communication.

GRETCHEN BROWN: And while you might worry that apologizing in the office makes you seem weak or draws attention to your mistakes, Lizzie said it can actually be a good way to be a positive leader for your teammates.

LIZZIE POST: To lead by example means you have to be the example. So if you want a crew that's going to take ownership, apologize for mistakes, and move forward, you as a leader have to take ownership, apologize for your mistakes, and move forward.

GRETCHEN BROWN: In other words, apologizing does change the way people see us. It's just not always negative. Research published last year in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found people who apologize more are actually seen as more communal, friendly, and honest. I guess I'm sorry for even looking into this.

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CATHY WURZER: You can hear our new series called Professional Help every Thursday here on Minnesota Now. If you missed one, you can find the whole collection at mprnews.org.