Live with your parents? Here's how to create a harmonious household

Illustration of an adult child and their parents squished into a tiny house silhouette. — Kaz Fantone/NPR

Moving back in with your parents as an adult isn't an easy decision, but sometimes it's necessary. Maybe you need to save money. Maybe it's convenient. Maybe you're going through a tough time and need extra support from your parents.

Whatever the reason, it can be a challenge for everyone involved.

"The dynamics are incredibly different. You are now an adult living with other adults. So we have to get our parents to see you and treat you as an adult," says Stacey Younge, a social worker and founder of Sixth Street Wellness, a therapy practice in New York City. Younge works with adult clients who have struggled with the transition of moving in with their parents.

To create a harmonious household, says Younge, create boundaries with your parents while also respecting their space. "Make sure the setup is sustainable. How can we live our lives for the next few years with all of us being able to smile around the dinner table?"

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If you feel ashamed about moving in with your parents, know that it's a common living arrangement for many young people across the United States. According to 2021 data from the U.S. Census Bureau, one in three American adults ages 18 to 34 live at home. And a 2022 study by the Pew Research Center found that young Americans are far more likely to live in multigenerational households than 50 years ago, with student debt and rising housing costs among the reasons why.

If you're considering moving in with your parents or already living with them, here are some ways to deal with the potential stigma, maintain independence and be a helpful member of the household.

Be kind to yourself

You might think that moving back home is a setback. But if you need to do it, give yourself some grace, says Danielle Belton. She has lived with her parents at two different points during adulthood. "Nobody wants to have to move back in with their parents after they've become an adult. You do it because you have to."

In 2007 at the age of 29, Belton decided to move in with her parents in St. Louis, then again in 2013. She was struggling with her bipolar disorder and could not focus on herself or her career. Belton needed the emotional and financial support of her parents.

They were a lifeline, she says. In addition to providing a roof over her head, they fed her and made sure she was safe. "My family saved my life. Going home allowed me to gain stability, save money, gain perspective and get the medical help that I needed so I could restart my career a couple of years later." She is now the editor-in-chief of The Huffington Post, and she has her own apartment in Brooklyn, N.Y.

Remember, this might be the best decision for you at this specific moment in time, says Belton. So "let go of the stigma of having to move back home after college or at any point in life. You should not feel ashamed of it."

Don't compare yourself to others

Resist the urge to focus on where your friends are in life — and surround yourself with people who understand what you're going through.

Kiersten Brydie, 29, currently lives with her parents in Atlanta. She moved back for financial reasons. By now, she thought she would have been married and a homeowner like many of her peers. "I'm in a very different place than [my friends]," she says. "So that has been a personal challenge for me."

To cope with those feelings, Brydie shares what it's like to live with her parents with her over 28,000 followers on TikTok. In one video, which has garnered nearly 100,000 views, she says, "The economy sucks and we are in a cost of living crisis ... living at home for me right now is a blessing."

Many of the comments are supportive. "I'm happy you had the option to go back home ... life is hard!" writes one commenter. "31 and about to do the same thing ... for the second time," writes another. She says her online community has helped her come to terms with her living situation — and understand that everyone moves at a different pace in life.

Create your exit plan

After settling into your parents' house, make a game plan for how and when you hope to move out, says Younge, who lived at home for a few months after college. Your parents will probably want to know how long you intend to stay. And a plan may motivate you to keep reaching your goals.

Your plan should include personal, professional and financial aims. For example, maybe you want to stay with your parents until you've saved enough money for a down payment on your first home. Or perhaps you want to stay until you find a job.

Don't beat yourself up if you need more time. Brydie has been living with her parents for about a year and a half, but she had hoped to move out after six months. In addition to being a content creator on TikTok, she works for a startup and has been worried about job security amid a looming recession. "As long as I'm welcome here [with my parents], I'll probably just ride it out for a bit longer," she says.

Set boundaries

While living with your parents, be sure to set boundaries. It's a powerful tool that fosters an environment of respect and understanding, says Younge. Maintain your privacy by asking your parents to knock before entering your room. Keep your parents out of your dating life by asking your mom to stop trying to set you up with random people she's met at the grocery store.

Don't forget that your parents have boundaries too. If they say they don't want you to borrow their car, don't borrow it.

Maintain your routine ... and dating life

If you are having trouble setting up boundaries, create a routine to help you get out of the house, especially if you work from home and your parents are retired or also work from home. Having that much family time can be a hotbed of conflict — and everyone could use the space, says Younge.

If you can, get out every day. During business hours, work from the office, a co-working space, a coffee shop or a local library. Continue to take that spin class with your favorite instructor on Saturdays.

"Continue to live your life. Communicate that with your parents as well. [Tell them], 'This is my schedule. This is what I'm doing,' so it becomes a part of the routine early," says Younge.

And keep dating. When living with family, it can be hard to find private, quiet moments that a romantic relationship can provide.

Dating while living at home can be tricky — especially if you come from a traditional household. If you're inviting a guest over, be sure to run it by your folks ahead of time, says Younge. "Have an open conversation with your parents. [Ask them] how they feel about having someone else in the house."

Contribute to the household

Many of us live at home for financial reasons. But if you can provide your parents with a monetary contribution to the household, they'd be most appreciative.

Offer to pay for your share of the utilities, groceries or rent — even if it's a nominal amount. Talk to your parents about how much you can realistically give, says Brydie. "My parents and I had a conversation about how to help financially. We decided I'd pay a couple of hundred bucks a month for groceries or household bills."

If you can't cut your parents a rent check every month, there are other ways to chip in. Perhaps you can take out the garbage, do the household laundry or wash the dishes after dinner. Whatever you decide, be consistent — show your parents that you are grateful for the opportunity to live at home and that you want to add value to the shared space.

This episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Cirino and edited by Sylvie Douglis and Meghan Keane. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual producer is Kaz Fantone.

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